


Wardrobe Malfunction

by kinky_dominasterisk



Category: Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015)
Genre: Absurd Fiction, Anal Sex, Blowjobs, Dressing and Undressing, Extremely Frustrating Foreplay, Kylo's Stupid Costume, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-08-22
Updated: 2016-09-02
Packaged: 2018-08-10 07:04:38
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 7,341
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7834900
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kinky_dominasterisk/pseuds/kinky_dominasterisk
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Hux becomes intimately familiar with the workings of Kylo Ren's outfit. They dick.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I used the Anovos costume ensemble [ https://www.anovos.com/products/star-wars-the-force-awakens-kylo-ren-costume-ensemble-with-helmet-pre-order ] and this cosplay video [ https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=203eyAFTzZU] for reference on how Kylo's costume is put together.

Supreme Leader Snoke drummed his fingers against his armrest. The sound echoed in the meeting chamber. Hux stood before the projection, perspiring slightly. Kylo Ren was late, and the fact made Snoke displeased.

 

“Go,” Snoke told Hux.

 

“Sir?” Hux kept his eyes low.

 

“Go and bring him to me.”

 

“Sir.”

 

Hux turned on his heel and made sure his back was to the Supreme Leader before he let his face flush in frustration. All this was supposed to be was a simple debriefing. Ren wasn’t even integral, but Supreme Leader always seemed insistent Ren be present as often as possible. For what reason, Hux couldn’t fathom; Ren rarely had anything to contribute. The only thing Ren seemed to contribute was a growing list of damages to the base and a vague Darth Vader esque presence. Sith lord more like shit lord, Hux thought. He didn’t need dramatics, he needed a planet that could destroy other planets.

 

Hux paused in front of the door to Kylo Ren’s quarter. It was entirely possible Ren was not there. Well, if that were the case, Hux would just have to look for the closest broken console. Or perhaps Ren actually remembered his role for once and was on his way to Snoke’s chamber and Hux was wasting his time. Then Hux heard a yelp and something fall from behind the door. Hux sighed and bypassed the door’s guard lock.

 

Whatever chastising remark Hux had prepared died in his throat. Maybe he had been expecting Ren sleeping. Maybe he had been expecting Ren talking to the skull of the late Vader. He hadn’t been expecting Ren on his back, struggling to get a boot on. Hux was further confused on Ren’s method of dressing himself. Who put their shoes on before their shirt?  Or even their tunic?  All Kylo had on were his mask, his pants, and one pitiful boot. Hux was baffled.

 

“What are you doing?”

 

Kylo Ren turned his head. “My assistants have disappeared,” Kylo explained as if this should have been plainly obvious to Hux.

 

“Your assistants?”

 

As if on cue, the door opened again. Three persons with faces unfamiliar to Hux almost entered, but hesitated at the scene before them.

 

“You’re late!” Ren barked at them.

 

They nearly fell over themselves, scurrying to Kylo and skirting around General Hux. Two helped Ren to his feet while the last pulled out two dress forms from a hidden panel in the wall. Hux realized he should probably leave to let Kylo dress, but curiosity was getting the better of him.

 

“This is how you’re using our resources?” Hux’s tone was slightly amused, mostly astonished.

 

“These are my resources,” Kylo snapped.

 

Hux bit back laughter. “ _These_ are the Knights of Ren?”

 

Kylo did not respond. He was busy putting on his other boot. One knight held it for him while the other was holding Kylo for balance. Maybe if he had boots with laces or a zipper, Hux thought, he wouldn’t have this problem. Hux turned his head to see what the last Knight was up to and could not contain and derisive snort. Kylo wore _two coats_ beneath that ridiculous hood and scarf ensemble? For what purpose? The Starkiller had very controlled climate inside the base, which Kylo rarely ever left.

 

“Do you find something amusing, General?” Kylo snarled.

 

“Just a bit of dust,” Hux did not bother to return his gaze back at Ren. The third Knight was doing something.

 

The Knight opened a dresser drawer from another panel in the wall and pulled out Kylo’s under garments. Hux bit his cheek to keep from laughing again. He’d never taken the time to study what exactly Kylo Ren’s costume was composed of; he thought it too ludicrous to dwell on. He never thought the absurdity would extend beyond his expectations. Why were Kylo’s sleeves a separate unit from his shirt? Why were they connected by such a small stretch of fabric that couldn’t hope to actually cover anything?

 

Hux watched as the third Knight struggled to fit the head hole of the sleeve shirt over Kylo’s mask. A wry smile played at Hux’s lips. This was probably the best thing he’d seen all week. Finally, Kylo’s head made in through, and the Knights around him zipped the sleeves around his arms. The half shirt was so short it did not cover Kylo’s chest.

 

“Is there a reason you came to see me?” Kylo asked irritably.

 

“You are wanted in Snoke’s chamber.” Hux remembered why he came.

 

“Must you watch me dress?” The Knights struggled with Kylo’s under tunic as well. “You realize you can wait outside.”

 

“I am at ease here,” Hux replied. “Besides, I have to ensure you are presentable.”

 

Kylo growled while his Knights put his shirt on him. They did not have to struggle with the mask again, as the shirt had a zipper. It also had larger pleated sleeves to go over the tight woolen ones underneath. Hux felt hot just looking at Kylo, and the Master Knight was only half dressed. Hux nearly pitied Kylo as a Knight put on the midcoat. The midcoat opened in the back so Kylo had to put his arms forward for his Knights to put it on him. He looked ridiculous doing it, and Hux’s near pity passed. The top coat opened in the front, and it was clear at this point Kylo was struggling with his movement. Hux wondered if all this was truly necessary as the Knights closed Kylo’s belt around his waist. Kylo put his gloves on by himself while a Knight straightened the hood and scarf.

 

“Well?” Kylo asked the general when they were done.

 

“Well?” Hux repeated, confused.

 

“Am I _presentable_ , General?” Kylo put his arms out.

 

Hux cocked his head to the side. Now that Kylo had asked, something about his outfit seemed incomplete. Despite putting on more than enough layers, Kylo seemed … exposed. Hux walked around Kylo to inspect the job the Ren Knights had done. The he found the error in Kylo Ren’s presentation.

 

“Your neck guard is missing,” Hux announced.

 

The three Knights groaned. The neck guard was to be put on before the shirt. They had been nervous in the presence of both Hux and Ren, and had rushed their job. They dreaded having to take off all those layers only to immediately put them back on again.

 

“Silence!” Ren barked at them.

 

Ren examined himself in the mirror by his wardrobe. The neck piece was a negligible part of his attire. In fact, his neck itself could barely be seen. With the combination of the hood and the scarf, only flashes of flesh could be seen and only when Ren moved his head a certain way.

 

“It will have to do,” Ren grunted. He’d already gone through the entire ordeal of Hux watching him dress. He’d rather not have Hux be there to see him undress as well.

 

The Knights sighed when Kylo took his lightsaber and clipped it to his belt. Hux shared their relief. As fun as it was to watch Kylo Ren struggle with dressing himself, that ordeal took nearly forty five minutes and he didn’t want to waste any more of Snoke’s time. Hux let Ren leave the room first before following. It wasn’t hard to catch up with the Knight because he seemed to be stumbling along more than strolling along.

 

“Eight hands, and you still can’t be dressed properly?” Hux smirked.

 

“You made them nervous,” Ren complained. “They rushed it.”

 

Hux rolled his eyes. “Maybe you should invest in clothing you can put on by yourself.”

 

Ren growled and walked ahead of Hux. Hux didn’t bother to match Ren’s stride. He afforded himself a soft laugh before continuing onwards to Snoke’s chamber. Never would he have thought that watching someone get dressed would be the most amusing highlight of his career.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Shout out to Starkid's Star Wars parody Ani! A Musical for inspiring a scene in this chapter and setting the basis for this entire fic.

Since the addition of Kylo to Starkiller base, Hux incorporated general checks of console rooms into his routine. It was better to catch damages sooner than later in order to salvage some sort of budget. So far Hux had not found any damages, which nearly surprised him. What was Kylo up to? As Hux checked off console room E-1337, he found the man responsible for so many of his troubles turning the corner of the corridor. Hux quickened his pace.

 

“No tantrums today, Sir Knight?” Hux teased.

 

Kylo Ren didn’t answer. Hux noticed the man was walking a bit sluggishly.

 

“What’s the matter?” Hux continued. “Is this the day Kylo Ren finally dies of heat stroke?”

 

Kylo sagged to the side. He was indeed very hot in his costume. Hux quieted himself when Kylo became wobbly, then Hux worried when Kylo frantically started to pull his costume apart. He fumbled with the belt at first, but then cleared his thought enough to remove his gloves first. Kylo unzipped his sleeves and revealed a heat rash across both his arms. He tore off his hood and fruitlessly scratched at the back of his helmet. It was proving difficult that day and Kylo leaned against wall so he could catch his breathe.

 

“General,” he rasped. “Help me take off my helmet.”

 

Hux furrowed his brow. “Don’t you need it to breathe?”

 

“No,” Kylo responded. “What made you think so.”

 

Hux looked up to the ceiling. The head piece wasn’t even vital? What was the purpose then? Was Kylo Ren just ugly? He allowed a daily struggle with a tunic just for the sake of vanity? The man was unbelieveable. Hux paused his internal tirade when Kylo dropped to his knees, gasping. The man might really die of heat stroke.

Hux dropped his checklist and straightened Kylo so his top coat could be removed.

 

“No,” Kylo moaned. “My helmet.”

 

Hux thought it would be a better idea to remove Kylo’s black, woolen layers, but Ren was always insistent he get what he wanted. He examined the back of Ren’s mask. It had a complicated unlocking mechanism that only Kylo was familiar with. Hux struggled.

 

“You have to twist it,” Kylo’s breath was short. “Twist it, then pull.”

 

“I _am_ twisting it,” Hux grunted. This was an extremely difficult helmet.

 

The helmet gave way from all the force Hux was exerting onto it. Hux decided that was good enough and he would use force to pry the rest of it open. He repositioned himself to get a better grip on the helmet and tugged. Kylo whined but Hux ignored him. The ends would justify the means.

 

A pair of stormtroopers came by, walking down the hall on their patrol. They saw the General holding Master Ren in what appeared to a choke hold, surrounded by pieces of Kylo’s clothing. They decided they would patrol the area later.

 

After a lot of effort, Hux finally removed Ren’s helmet. Kylo’s face was a surprise. It was flushed red from heat exhaustion, but it wasn’t hideous. It was neither mangled nor scarred. Oh no, Hux thought, deadpan. He’s cute. Hux, unsure of how to handle this reveal, put the helmet back on. Ren swore and removed the helmet again. The two men looked at each other silently.

 

“I have duties to attend to,” Hux said finally after clearing his throat. He picked up his checklist and sped walk to the next console room.

 

After finishing the console rooms, Hux went out to the training grounds. He found Phasma there, training the stormtroopers to march in formation. Hux could tell these recruits were new. The helmets of the soldiers did not afford very much peripheral vision, so fresh troopers were always bumping into each other. Teaching them to not do that always took the most effort of the stormtrooper program.

 

“You’re awfully quiet,” Phasma noted. “Here is the only place you like to yell.”

 

Phasma was teaching the squad in front of her the electric slide. The dance, as ridiculous as it was and unseemly for the First Order to use, had lasted throughout the ages and was useful for teaching blind troops how to move forward, backward, and to the side.

 

“I’ve just seen the face of Kylo Ren,” Hux said mildly.

 

“Oh,” Phasma stopped dancing. The troops, unable to see that she did, continued. “Isn’t it weird that he looks that under there?”

 

“Yes,” Hux was losing himself in thought.

 

So, Kylo Ren was actually not unattractive. Then what did he wear the mask for? Just to seem “mysterious”? He allowed the damage of his tunic collars just for the sake of a persona? The fool was an idiot. He didn’t even allow his own personal followers to see his face just for an adolescent façade. Hux clicked his tongue.

 

“What is it?” Phasma returned to leading the dance. “Do you think he’s cute?”

  
“I think I prefer him with the mask on,” Hux replied.


	3. Chapter 3

Kylo had managed to get himself dressed on time, so the briefing with Snoke was actually able to start on time. It ran fairly standard. Kylo announced himself, Hux announced updates on the progress of Starkiller, and Snoke inquired and informed the two of which direction he wanted the First Order he wanted to go next. Hux and Snoke were having a semi private conversation about details of the base. Kylo was silent, which was nothing unusual. Hux was glad instead of irritated the Knight had nothing to contribute. Hux was discussing the progress of the new recruits when a soft whump interrupted him. 

 

Kylo Ren had collapsed. 

 

Snoke massaged his knuckles into his brow. “This is what happens when you drink all day and skip lunch, Ren.”

 

Hux lifted his brows in surprise. There was alcohol on the base? Perhaps Phasma could acquire him some. 

 

“General,” Snoke sighed. “Take Ren to his quarters and make sure his costume doesn’t kill him.”

 

Hux bit his tongue. Even when doing absolutely nothing, Ren managed to cause more trouble than what he was worth. Hux picked up Ren’s body and slung Kylo’s arm across his shoulder. He thought about removing the mask, but decided he would play along in Ren’s vanity game. Hux, being a military man, was quite fit, but damn if Kylo wasn’t heavy. It was probably all that material weighing him down. Damn him for making Hux’s job harder than it had to be. 

 

In Kylo’s quarters, Hux faced a dilemma. Ren appeared to still be unconscious. At least he was alive, if the labored breathing through the vocoder was any indication. However, he would surely die if he was left in that oven costume of his. Hux tapped his foot. The Knights of Ren answered to Ren only, and Hux wasn’t even sure how to summon them to disrobe Kylo anyways. That left Hux with the option of disrobing Kylo himself or leaving Kylo to die. The second option did not sound too displeasurable, but Hux was certain Supreme Leader would not be happy with that decision. Hux sighed as he began to remove Kylo’s boot. 

 

Kylo Ren woke up with a splitting headache. That would teach him to skip lunch. As he propped himself up, Ren recognized his surroundings as his private room. The last room he remembered was Snoke’s chamber. Had he been carried back? The answer was sitting as the edge of Ren’s circle bed. 

 

“Hux?” Ren’s throat was sore from dehydration. 

 

“Very bold of you to attend a meeting with the Supreme Leader drunk,” Hux got up from the bed and walked around it to pour Ren a glass of water. 

 

“I wasn’t drunk,” Ren greedily drank the water. “I’d been drinking water all day, and I didn’t eat.”

 

Hux didn’t believe that for a second. 

 

“Did you,” Kylo noticed he was very cold comparison to how he usually felt. “Undress me?”

 

Hux felt the tips of his ears singeing. He forced himself to not blush in front of Kylo Ren. “I did.” 

 

Kylo had no shame about blushing in front of Hux. It was almost adorable the way his entire chest and shoulders went red. Kylo felt as if his stomach was in his throat. “Why?”

 

“Supreme Leader asked me nicely,” Hux answered smoothly. He was struggling to keep from laughing. 

 

Kylo stuttered. “B-bullshit!”

 

Hux took a deep breath through his nose. This was so funny he was having a bit a trouble keeping in character. But if Kylo could devote his entire life to his ridiculous character, then Hux could keep this up for a few more minutes. “Would I lie to you about the orders of the Supreme Leader?”

 

Kylo scowled and looked away from Hux.

 

“You should thank me,” Hux continued. “It wasn’t easy disrobing you myself. You should praise your Knights for it more.”

 

Kylo’s face contorted in anger even more. He poured himself a second glass of water, glowering at Hux while he sipped from the glass.

 

“Do you expect them to be there with you when you have bedmates?”

 

Kylo crushed the glass in his hand. Hux instinctively took a step back. He was shaking, tears of laughter almost forming at his eyes. “Are they?”

 

Kylo mumbled something incoherent.

 

“What was that?”

 

“It’s never come up before,” Kylo repeated himself. 

 

Hux nodded, humming in consideration. He couldn’t say he was surprised. There were a lot of factors why Kylo Ren would not be able to get a date. Time for one thing, his abrasive personality for the other. His three layer costume for the last thing. Well, it wasn’t any of Hux’s concern if Ren was virgin. Hux felt as if he had humiliated Ren enough so he decided to leave it at there. 

 

“See the physician about your hand,” Hux said firmly. “And your head. I dropped you a few times.”

 

That started Kylo’s tantrum. Hux turned on his heel and walked quickly out of Ren’s room before the brat threw something at Hux’s head. 


	4. Chapter 4

Ren and Hux found themselves trudging through a desert, followed by a platoon of stormtroopers. Kylo was struggling with Jakku’s climate and Hux wanted to tease him more for it.

 

“Seems you are missing your neck guard again,” Hux crooned. 

 

“What’s it to you?” Ren’s vocoder nicely masked the fact he was out of breath.

 

“You’re usually dressed more modestly.”

 

Ren did not want to be impressed that Hux had noticed he was missing the neck guard again. Then again, Hux was always a stickler for detail. “Don’t pop a boner just because you see a flash of skin,” he huffed. 

 

“Mind your decorum in front of the soldiers,” Hux reprimanded Kylo. “We lead by example.”

 

“I’m hot,” Kylo complained. “And you are torturing me.”

 

“You  _ are _ hot,” Hux agreed. “Because you are being tortured by a three layered woolen suit. Have you ever considered a summer line for yourself?”

 

“I don’t see any changes you’ve made to  _ your _ uniform,” Kylo retorted.

 

“I wear one layer. And it is made of cotton spun specifically for temperatures like those on Jakku,” Hux said matter of factly. 

 

Kylo growled and trudged on ahead of Hux. Supreme Leader Snoke had said that Jakku held the key to the First Order rising to empiric control. But he had enigmatic about what that key had actually BEEN. Now they were combing the desert, and , as Phasma had put it, they ain’t found shit. Though Jakku was small, it was still an entire planet. The scouting crew had landed in three different places. Or they thought they were different places. A desert looks the same from all directions. 

 

They were making no progress on Jakku. The First Order could not travel a very far radius without losing track of the location of their ship. Village raids were fruitless. The crew was losing morale. There were only so many rousing speeches Hux, Phasma, and Kylo could make. 

 

Kylo was learning to hate the sand. It was rough, coarse, and it was getting  _ everywhere _ . As if his outfit hadn’t been terrible enough, now he had to contend with the grit of sand between his layers. He was developing rashes. He now required his Knights to apply lotion to his skin after derobing, a ritual that was uncomfortably intimate for everyone involved. If his pale skin weren’t bad enough, it also had to be extremely sensitive. He wished he could take his light saber to the entire planet. Once the Starkiller was complete, this miserable rock would be the first to go. 

 

Hux was tiring of returning to the ship dusty and dirty and with nothing to show for it. This was a waste of resources, Hux felt. The First Order didn’t any sort of magic key. They weren’t looking to restore the Galactic Empire. They were something  _ purer _ than that. 

 

“This is a waste of  _ time _ ,” Hux moaned. He massaged his temples above a shot of bourbon. Phasma had shown him where the liquor cabinet was and Hux had taken to drinking with her during free time. 

 

“Snoke would not send us on a treasure hunt for nothing,” Phasma had six shots lined up in front of her. “If you feel like the time spent on this key is unproductive, find something else to do in the meantime that you think will make better use of your time.”

 

“Like what?” Hux grumbled.

 

“Finding a lay, perhaps.” With that, Phasma took all six shots in a row. 

 

Hux rested his cheek in his hands and stared at Phasma. They’d had this conversation before, many times. Each time, Hux walked away from it a little more seriously. The idea was still in the range of preposterous, but Hux was really finding himself with nothing better to do. He didn’t even need to check console rooms anymore, as Kylo was returning to the ship too tired to even throw tantrums. 

 

“What are you doing with the time, Phasma?”

 

“New drills,” Phasma poured out more shots. “The soldiers now know the cha cha slide and the A town hustle.”

 

Hux laughed. Phasma was an excellent captain. She was a great stoic character who knew how to train excellent soldiers. But it was just so absurd that she would take silly dances from millennia ago to train the stormtroopers to walk in formation. Maybe it was the only true joy she received from working for the Order. 

 

Hux retired to his quarters after thanking Phasma for the drinks. Three shots of bourbon was more than enough for him. Phasma had called him soft for it and finished the rest of the bottle herself. Hux found a new fear mingled with respect for Phasma after that. 

 

Hux was lying face down in his bed when Kylo Ren barged into his quarters. 

 

“I have felt it in the Force that Supreme Leader will contact us soon,” Kylo announced. 

 

“Is that how the Force works?” Hux rubbed the sleep from his eyes. 

 

“No,” Kylo sat on Hux’s bed. “He sent me an email.”

 

Hux groaned and sat himself up. “And what do you need of me.”

 

“I just thought you would like to explain why we have not been able to carry out his orders. So prepare your speech, General, and make sure you look….” Kylo tipped his head up and down. “ _ Presentable _ .”

 

Hux held back the urge to push Kylo off his bed. He got up to go to his private lavatory to splash water on his face. Examining himself in the mirror, Hux found himself completely unpresentable. That’s what he got for sleeping in his clothes. He gelled his hair and returned to his room. Kylo Ren was still there. He had taken off his mask and gloves and had unzipped his sleeves. His cheeks were flushed with heat and he was panting slightly. 

 

“You sound like a dog,” Hux sneered as he removed the jacket of his uniform. 

 

Kylo had to take a few breaths, so he was unable to make his retort before Hux’s wall screen bleeped on. Snoke’s grotesque face surveyed the scenario in Hux’s room. 

 

“I suppose it was only a matter of time,” he shrugged. 

 

Hux furrowed his brows in confusion. He turned to Ren to see if Ren understood, then he realized. Hux was in his undershirt and Kylo was unmasked, showing an unprecedented amount of skin. Hux turned his head sharply to face Snoke.

 

“Supreme Leader, we have nothing to report,” Hux said a little too loudly. “This mission is proving more difficult than we thought.”

 

“How hard could it be to find an old man with a flash drive?” 

 

“A fla-?” Hux stuttered. “ _ That’s _ what we’re looking for?”

 

“Yes. Did I not tell you?”

 

“NO,” both Hux and Kylo answered petulantly. 

 

“Hmm. It must have slipped my mind. Well, go. Lor San is to the north. He will have a map that leads to Luke Skywalker. Find it and find Skywalker. Then destroy him.”

 

Hux’s wall screen turned off and Snoke’s image disappeared. Hux let out an exasperated sigh. Kylo fell backwards onto Hux’s bed. Hux sat down next to him. 

 

“Lor San… Tekka?” Kylo wondered. 

 

“Who the fuck is Lor San Tekka?” Hux asked. 

 

Kylo sat up and donned his mask. As he zipped up his sleeves and put on his gloves, Kylo announced he had preparations he needed to make. Hux let him leave without questioning. Hux had his own prep to attend to. He found himself a fresh uniform and went to round up any stray soldiers. 

 

Though everyone was suited up and ready to go by mid afternoon, Kylo Ren insisted they storm the village during the night. He claimed it would be more dramatic: the villagers would never suspect an attack then. Hux suspected it was more because the planet was cooler at night, and Kylo did not want to compromise his entrance by risking heat stroke. 

 

The raid on the village was moderately successful. Kylo had killed the old man and they’d lost the flash drive, but they found a Resistance pilot. And the pilot knew where the map was. Hux decided he would take small victories where he could, especially when Kylo’s dramatics were involved. 

 

“Anything to report, Phasma,” Hux was reviewing soldier performance. 

 

“One anomaly,” Phasma removed her helmet. “FN-2187 did not obey a kill order. I found him in the hangar with his helmet removed. Without permission.”

 

“Was it the kill order on the villager?” Hux marked down “minor disobedience” next to the soldier’s number. “Seems sentimentality is interfering with his training.”

 

“I’ll have him sent to reconditioning,” Phasma said. “That’s the end of my report.”

 

“Very well.” Hux paused. “Are you doing anything later?”

 

“If you’re inviting me for a round of drinks, I won’t be free.”

 

“Got a date?” Hux hid his smile behind his clipboard. 

 

“Yes,” Phasma answered proudly. “With a bathtub. I deserve bubbles on my skin.”

 

Hux let out a short laugh. “Well then, I won’t keep you.”

 

Phasma saluted Hux and turned to go. Before she left the room, she turned her head to address Hux. 

 

“Do not forget, General, that you too deserve the occasional indulgence.”

  
With that, Phasma left. Hux folded his arms. Well, she could not have been anymore obvious. An occasional indulgence, huh. Hux drummed his fingers against his bicep. Well, Phasma’s advice had never been unhelpful before.


	5. Chapter 5

Hux stood before Kylo, naked. Kylo Ren stood before Hux, fully clothed. Tension hung in the air between them. 

 

“Should we call your Knights?” Hux suggested. 

 

He wasn’t teasing this time. Kylo’s costume had been a chore to remove himself the last time, and it was likely to kill the mood. Well, the mood was already dead. The Knights weren’t going to help it, but they couldn’t hurt it more. 

 

“No!” Kylo said loudly, tensing his shoulders. “No.”

 

Kylo removed his gloves and then his belt. He was able to remove his hood and top coat by himself but struggled with the midcoat. Hux sighed and went over to help him. 

 

“This is your own fault, you know,” Hux told Ren, “for not using a coat that opens in the front.”

 

“Just help me get it off,” Kylo pulled the coat away from him after Hux undid the buttons. 

 

“Isn’t there a way for me to fuck you with your clothes on?” Hux undid the zipper on the back of Kylo’s shirt. “How do you even use the lavatory?”

“That is the last question I want to hear,” Kylo snarled as Hux pulled the shirt off. “Aren’t you any better at dirty talk?”

 

“Normally, yes. I also normally have partners who can undress themselves. No neck guard today?”

 

“I skipped it just for you,” Kylo sneered. 

 

Hux put his lips to Kylo’s neck. It was pale, perfect for leaving marks. Hux didn’t hesitate. No one would be able to see the bites whenever Ren was fully clothed anyways.  The secret delighted Hux as he slid his hands over Kylo’s hips. 

 

“You’re sweaty,” Hux complained. 

 

“It takes time to cool down,” Kylo fanned himself. 

 

“I have no intention of waiting,” Hux turned Kylo around and pushed the partially clothed man onto his bed. 

 

Hux climbed onto the bed himself and straddled Kylo’s legs. His hard expression softened slightly when he saw Kylo looking up at him. Kylo’s face was even cuter when it was flushed with heat and arousal. Pink lips parted, panting softly, the brat was almost adorable. Such a handsome face seemed inappropriate for a man who had earned the name Jedi Killer. 

 

“I definitely like you better with your mask on,” Hux told Ren. 

 

“I can put it on,” Kylo offered. “If you want.”

 

Hux thought about it. He be lying if he said he hadn’t fantasized of fucking Kylo Ren with his mask on. Now the opportunity presented himself. Hux slid off Kylo’s legs. 

 

“Do it.”

 

Kylo sat up and reached out his hand. The Force brought his helmet to him. Hux thought the trick was unnecessary. The mask was within reach, left on the night table by the head of Ren’s bed. Dramatics always had to be involved with Kylo Ren. Hux tipped Kylo’s chin up after Kylo donned his helmet. A trail of red marks lined the right side of Kylo’s neck. The left side was unblemished and accessible under Kylo’s mask. 

 

“My tunic, General?” Kylo’s vocoder sounded even sillier than usual. 

 

Ah, Hux had gotten too excited about the mask. Two pieces of clothing still had to be pulled past Kylo’s head before the man was properly topless. Surely Ren’s Knights managed to remove them while Kylo kept his mask on, but Hux was not as patient as they were. Hux took the hem of the tunic and pulled the fabric apart. The rip tore up the way up to Kylo’s collar. 

 

“Occam’s Razor,” Hux said as Kylo shrugged the pieces of tunic off his shoulders, glowering behind the mask. 

 

“And my sleeves?”

 

“I can do without your shoulders,” Hux brushed his fingers across Kylo’s exposed nipples.

 

Kylo shivered under Hux’s touch. His moans were ridiculously distorted under the mask. Despite how silly they sounded, Hux was getting a charge out of them. He pushed Kylo to lie on the bed and placed a few more bites on Kylo’s neck. When he decided Kylo’s neck was marked up enough, Hux moved downwards to kiss Kylo’s chest. Kylo’s moans became louder. Hux wondered for the first time if the room was soundproof. It wouldn’t matter; no one who would be passing by would dare to question what Hux or Kylo did in their free time to either of their faces. 

 

Hux regretted not wiping Kylo down before making out with his tits. The man marinated under his coats. The outfit was presenting more and more obstacles; Hux was beginning to question the worth of actually sleeping with Kylo. But he was a stubborn man, and he hated to abandon commitments. Hux continued on to Kylo’s abdomen, leaving a trail of bite marks in his wake. Hux nuzzled the bulge in Ren’s pants. Judging by the size of it, Ren was a decently endowed man. Hux’s mouth watered in anticipation. 

 

Hux tugged on the hem of Kylo’s pants. It didn’t budge. Hux tugged again. No progress.

 

“You’re kidding,” Hux sat back. “What is this.”

 

“I was sewn in today,” Kylo explained. 

 

Hux clasped his hands together and pressed them against the bridge of his nose. He looked as if he were praying. “Have I ever told you how much I hate your costume?”

 

“It’s news to me,” Kylo chuckled. 

 

Hux got up and started collecting his clothes. “Forget it. I’m not wasting however much time I’ve already wasted with that ridiculous get up to have unsatisfying sex with an underperforming virgin.”

 

Kylo’s blush spread under his mask and down to his chest. “I wasn’t born in this suit, you know. I’ve had sex before I became Kylo Ren.”

 

Hux tossed a condescending glance over his shoulder. “That just tells me Kylo Ren hasn’t had sex. Good for whoever he was before.”

 

Kylo Ren stood up, hands clenched. Hux stopped walking, feet frozen to the floor. He turned his head to Ren.

 

“Release me!” Hux spat. 

 

“Stay.” Hux couldn’t tell with the vocoder, but Kylo seemed to be pleading. “I won’t underperform.”

 

Hux let out an exasperated sigh. With the Force holding him, he felt he didn’t have much of a choice anyways. He sighed again. 

 

“Fine. Make this worth my time, Ren.”

 

Kylo released his hold on Hux. Hux stretched his feet to rid the numbness a Force hold left on the body. 

 

“Couldn’t you just use the Force?” Hux asked when he saw Ren struggling with his boot. 

 

Hux had been asking facetiously, but Ren paused what he was doing. 

 

“Ssshhittt,” Kylo hissed. “Fuck.”

 

Hux closed his eyes. Ren hadn’t thought of it. Of course he hadn’t. He had a closed mind and was blind to the simplest of solutions. Hux opened his eyes and walked over to Ren. He had an even simpler solution than the Force. He pushed Kylo onto his back and lifted Kylo’s leg into the air. Firmly, he grasped Kylo’s boot and tugged. Of course, the boot didn’t budge either. Nothing was ever easy. Hux braced his body against Kylo’s leg and tugged harder. It was a struggle, but the boot came off. Hux panted mostly from effort, some from arousal. Pressing his body against Kylo’s leg elicited enough friction to get his blood pumping southward. It wasn’t the way Hux had planned on getting off, but with Kylo sewn into his pants it might be the only way. 

 

“How do you propose you pants be removed,” Hux tugged on Kylo’s other boot, “if you are sewn into them?”

 

“Occam’s razor.”

 

Kylo held out his hand again. The dresser to his night table opened and an actual razor levitated out of it and into Kylo’s hand. 

 

“This is not what I mean when I expect a partner to be magical in bed,” Hux said as he pulled the other boot off. 

 

He took the razor from Kylo and examined it. It was extremely old fashioned, the type of model with a single blade attached to a handle. Hux was fond of these types and had a set he used for shaving. By personal experience, he knew these types of razors were not easy to come by in the galaxy. He briefly wondered where Kylo had gotten this one, but decided using it to rid Kylo of his pants was more important. The shred of the fabric was the most satisfying thing Hux had ever heard. He wasted no time taking Kylo’s pants to pieces. For extra measure, Hux used the razor on Kylo’s boxer briefs as well. He would be having no more extra surprises. 

 

Kylo looked good naked. It was definitely the effort. He still had on the half shirt his sleeves were attached to, but quick work of the razor did away with that. Hux wondered why he ever thought to forgo Kylo’s naked shoulders. He ground his cock against Kylo’s.  _ Finally _ , some action. Kylo reached between the two of them and wrapped his hand around their cocks. So he did know how to perform. 

 

Hux kissed and nibbled at Kylo’s shoulders. Kylo’s moans came out louder and louder through his mask, which made Hux harder and harder. 

 

“Do you have condoms?” Hux asked breathily. 

 

“We don’t need them,” Kylo answered. “I’m clean.”

 

Hux immediately pulled away. “Kylo Ren, I absolutely refuse to fuck you or suck you off without a condom.” 

 

Kylo was surprised, almost shocked, by Hux’s suddenly sharp tone. Well, he wasn’t going to argue, not after they’d finally got his suit off. He used the Force to bring out a roll of condoms and a bottle of lube. 

 

“Are you certain 24 will be enough for one night?” Hux smirked as he tore one foil square for the rest. 

 

Kylo did not pick up on the cheekiness of Hux’s remark. He was focused on watching what Hux was doing. Well, trying to watch Hux. The mask actually made things hard to see. But Hux seemed to want Kylo more with the mask on, so Kylo would keep his complaints to himself. 

 

Hux coated his hand in lubricant and rapidly jerked Kylo’s cock off. His patience had been worn out by that awful suit. He wanted Kylo’s cock in his mouth  _ now _ . But safety had to come first, so Hux settled for leaving bite marks on Kylo’s thighs while making sure Kylo was as hard as possible.  When Kylo whined at him to hurry up, Hux decided it was time to get to sucking. 

 

“I’ve never had a blowjob with a condom on before,” Kylo Ren commented. 

 

“Seems to me Kylo Ren has never had any sort of blowjob before,” Hux rolled the condom on. 

 

“...I can’t pay back the favor with my mask on.”

 

“And I can’t do you a favor at all if you expect me to carry this conversation with you. Shut up.”

 

Hux put his mouth on Kylo’s dick before Kylo could make any response. Despite the condom, it still felt really good. Kylo ran his fingers through Hux’s hair. He couldn’t keep himself from tightening his grip and tugging at Hux’s hair. If Hux was bothered by hair pulling, he wasn’t letting it affect his performance. He was, apparently, an expert at fellatio. Kylo Ren, nor the man he was before, had experienced such pleasure. His hips twitched upwards into Hux’s mouth. Already, he was embarrassingly close. 

 

“Hux,” Kylo whined.

 

He wanted Hux to let up so Kylo’s impending orgasm to expose his minimal experience. Unfortunate for Kylo, Hux was as relentless and unforgiving at giving head as he was at anything else. Kylo’s moan was so loud when he came it nearly blew out the speakers in his helmet. 

 

“Hmph. I knew you’d finish quickly,” Hux licked his lips and climbed atop the bed. 

 

Kylo huffed. The vocoder crackled. Kylo’s chest tightened. That was his favorite helmet. The others gave him helmet hair. Kylo pulled off the mask and examined the mouthpiece. Perhaps the damage was repairable, and he could see to it after this was over. Kylo turned to Hux.

 

“What about you? You didn’t, um,” Kylo jerked his chin in the direction of Hux’s still present erection. 

 

Hux considered his lower half and then Kylo. “Have you ever been penetrated anally?”

 

Kylo stuttered, blushed profusely, and looked away. 

 

“You haven’t,” Hux concluded. 

 

“I have!” Kylo bluffed. 

 

Hux looked at Kylo, unconvinced. “Give me the lubricant.”

 

“Listen, just because I haven’t bottomed before doesn’t mean I’m a virgin,” Kylo grumbled as he passed Hux the bottle. “I’m a top, ok?”

 

“Not tonight.” Hux squeezed a dime sized amount of lube onto his fingers. “Get on your stomach.”

 

Hux expected Ren to fuss more, but Kylo obeyed. More surprisingly, Kylo obeyed quietly. Hux rolled the lube between his fingers to warm, then slowly eased one digit into Kylo. Kylo let out a whimper and tensed up. 

 

“Relax,” Hux instructed. “We won’t get anywhere if you don’t unclench.”

 

Kylo forced out his breath and relaxed his muscles. Hux continued prepping Kylo, reaching deeper and deeper until he hit a spot that made Kylo let out an unexpected moan. 

 

“Stop poking around in my guts, Hux,” Kylo pushed back against Hux’s hands. “I’m ready.”

 

“Don’t overestimate yourself,” Hux inserted a second finger. “If you’re not prepared properly, it’ll hurt.”

 

“Isn’t it supposed to hurt? Just at first.”

 

“No. Pass me another condom.”

 

More Force tricks. Kylo couldn’t be faulted. His hands were busy clutching the sheets while Kylo writhed in pleasure. Hux put on the condom and applied lube, for extra measure. Slowly, Hux sunk his cock into Kylo’s ass. He couldn’t help but think of all the times he read about this action in all the homoerotic literature he would consume when he was young. Unfortunately, it brought back memories of all the euphemisms writers would use for a butthole. Chocolate starfish, puckered rosebud, they were all awful. 

 

“God Dammit,” Hux hissed and he forced the horrid imagery from his mind. 

 

Hux focused on fucking Kylo. The brat was definitely receptive to getting dicked in the ass, judging by his moans. He was getting too loud. There was no way the noise he was making could be passed off as another tantrum. Hux gripped Kylo’s hair and pressed Kylo’s face into the mattress to muffle him a bit. Turns out muffled moans are pretty damn hot. 

 

Hux pressed his lips against Kylo’s back to muffle his own moans. With his free hand, Hux trailed his fingers down Kylo’s chest. He thought about jerking Kylo off, but decided he wasn’t generous enough to give Kylo two orgasms when Hux himself was only going to get one. Instead he chose to tease at Kylo’s nipples, eliciting a nice stream of begging from Kylo. The outpouring of “Hux _ , Hux _ ” and “ _ please _ ” was like a song to Hux’s ears. He thrust into Kylo one final time as his orgasm overcame him. 

 

Hux would never admit it but it was one of the best orgasms he’d had in his life. He collapsed onto Kylo, panting gently. He hoped he hadn’t done anything embarrassing, like moan out Kylo’s name. 

 

“Get off,” Kylo complained. 

 

“I just did,” Hux pulled out of Kylo. 

 

Kylo groaned and tilted himself to force Hux off. Hux lay on his back, fanning himself. That took way too much time. It probably took forty five minutes just to take Kylo’s suit off. However, the trade off was decent. Hux would do it again if it didn’t take so long. Next time he would just take a razor to the whole costume, and they’d be done with that ordeal in fifteen minutes. Hux shook his head. This was an isolated incident; there wouldn’t be a next time. 

 

“Was it,” Kylo shifted to face Hux, “worth your time?”

 

Hux frowned. What was he asking that for? “If you’re fishing for compliments, you won’t get them from me. I did all the work, as usual.”

 

Kylo scowled. “I just-”

 

Kylo Ren was cut off by alarms. The blaring in the halls echoed in the room. Hux sighed and got up. There was always a disaster happening. Hux pressed the button to the telecom imbedded in the room’s wall, ensuring it was set to audio only beforehand. 

 

“This is General Hux, report,” he spoke clearly into the microphone. 

 

The lieutenant responded. “A TIE fighter is being stolen from the hanger. It’s tied down currently, and we are controlling the situation.”

 

Hux would have liked to believe that. It was probably the Resistance pilot, somehow escaped, and very quickly learning how to untie a TIE. Hux got rid of his condom and began to put on his uniform. 

 

“Call your Knights,” Hux told Kylo. “Use the Force, I don’t care. I’m not helping you into your costume.”

 

With that, Hux left Kylo by himself to contend with the fabrics left of his outfit. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I had a bit too much fun writing this, so, uh. I started writing a sequel. Tune in for that *finger guns*


End file.
